ZEN Team Owner Retires
Denies World Cup Conflict
Saturday, May 11, 2002 (Newark, DE) - The sordid and checkered past of the fantasy franchise Team ZEN comes to an end, as the team packs up the newly relocated training camp and calls it a victorious day. The two-time league runners-up and winner of the Blue Division in 1996 will close shop after 9 exciting seasons of participating in arguably the finest private fantasy league in existence.
After denying rumors of conflict of schedule between fantasy ownership and World Cup addiction treatment, the owner, manager, and head cheerleader of the now-defunct team released the following statement:
"...dry, with extra olives. Oh! Hi. Yes, it is true that I am withdrawing Team ZEN from competition in the WMFFL. It was a hard decision, as it has been an important social ritual for lo these past nine years. Although the watching of (and gambling on) the World Cup of Soccer will occupy many days this summer, the reasons why I must withdraw have nothing to do with The Beautiful Game.
"With the fetters associated with an increased course load and having to continue working fulltime, I just felt it better to end on a high note than to continue with detrimentally-minimal participation. I have not ruled out a return to franchise ownership in the future, and will remain on the mailing list to instigate trash-talking and point and laugh."
When reminded that his "high note" is a 1-0 victory in the Toilet Bowl, the former owner, who made Troy Aikman a #1 pick in the franchise's first draft, got increasingly belligerent. "At least we WON the Toilet Bowl. Besides, it's not about that one season, it's about being part of a great fantasy league with a great group of friends, run by one of the smartest guys on the planet. I'll miss the draft day drama, the rule bickering, and especially the trash talking. I was also looking forward to celebrating the 10-year anniversary, and potentially more ruined #1 draft picks (hey, at least I didn't draft Lawrence Philips)."
Five or 8 drink later, the owner allegedly mumbled, "you guys are the greatest. Go team!" And fell over and broke his martini glass. Thus ends the era of Team ZEN.